I've come to realize just how horrible and sad my life is. I'm not going all EMO girl on any of you, but i just figured i should get some things off my chest.
Lately, i haven't had the strength or care in the world to leave my house or the sanctuary of my room. I hate getting up and I hate when my mom tells me we're going somewhere. I throw a complete hissy fit. I just don't feel like going out. This is all because of some things that has happened in my life recently. Usually going out helps me with the shit i deal with, but not anymore. The reason for this is probably because everyone i've ever hung with is nothing but distant memories. They dont give a two shit about my life and i'm fine with that because they have other, more important stuff happening in their lives.
The reasons for the way i feel is because:
one: The way things are in this house is hard to deal with. We have, a married couple who fights so much, it's very rare, that i think they wont fight. I hate when they fight. And i'm always scared i'm gonna have a nervous break down just like i did the last time they fought. I didn't sleep for a good 28 hours and there they are, fighting, because of something so small. Trying to calm down, but cant because of lack and sleep and you cant go sleep because of the constant bickering/pounding of doors, and punches to the walls that kept me up. not forgetting to mention, i'm trying to PREVENT anything serious from happening. It's a scary thing to go through. Shaking so hard, and just pretty much scared for your life because you dont know what will happen. That was me, a week ago. That's what happened a week ago, and i cant shake that feeling of getting scared every time they fight. I cant help it.
I'm scared for my mom. She's always worrying about me because she's not providing for me like she "suppose to". Honestly, I feel even more like crap because i'm at that age that's suppose to be over with college and suppose to have a good work habit, but no, i'm not because of all the shit i've put us through in the past 7 years. I cant help but to cry every time i think about it. Nothing will be okay. I know that now. NOTHING, and that pains me.
I hate getting shut down every single time. I wish i had someone i could love like some of my friends have. I wish i could be in a long term relationship, but i think i'm scared of the commitment. I always find something wrong with them and use that as an excuse. but i've had my share of heartbreaks. I use to think getting pushed back was the worse thing that could happen as far as relationships go, but i've come to realize that if it doesnt happen, then it's not meant to be. No matter how "complicating" the situation may be. But even that is what keeps me up at night. The fact that someone is meant for me out there, but the question of "when" i'll find them is the biggest question of all and it hurts not knowing.
I miss when things use to be simple.
/end.
